Sunday, October 30, 2011

Baby Paytin Ann Rae

A few days ago i took my Paytin to the eye doctor just to make sure her eyes were good cuz she was not focusing on things, and she was moving her eyes side to side. i wasen't to concerned about it just thought that she didn't have control of her eyes yet but just wanted to make sure and my doctor told me that i should just make sure there was nothing wroung with her eyes.
Well we were at the doc he was looking into her eyes and all that well he comes out and tells me she has very very poor vision if any my eyes started to water i said wait say that again well he told me i thought no way there is no way my little girl is going to have poor eye sight or may be blind. That's one of the worst new's a mommy could hear they tell me that they are going to put these drops in her eyes to dilate her eyes and it would take 40 mins for it to work. then the doc was going to look in her eyes to see whats causing it.
That was the worst 40 mins in my life well 40 mins later he looks into Paytin's eyes gets done with that and tells me her optic nerves didnt develop like they were suppose too i had a heard time finding them they are very tiny. first thing i asked his is there a cure for that. He tells me unfortunately there is not. I just started to break down in major tears i was crying so hard the nurse had to take Audrina out of the room. Im having a really hard time with all this i just dont get it why me why Paytin this hurts so bad to know that my baby girl has very very poor eye sight if any i just cant cope with the idea i want Paytin to see how beautiful she is live her life to the fullest beable to hunt, fish, drive, play with her big sister and all of her cousin's, i dont want her to be treated like she is handycap when she is going up..
When i talk to her i just wish that she could see her mom and make eye contact with me. I do know that she can see light i know that for a fact. but it kills me cuz i dont think she can see anything else cuz i put my finger in front of her eyes and she dont blink, and i move my hand back and fourth in front of her face and she dont follow my fingers. After hearing what the doctor told me i am broken inside most people don't understand why i am falling apart so bad they all just dont understand you would have just been there to hear the doc he said im being up front with you im not hidin anything from you. baby girl has OPTIC NERVE HYPOPLASIA they diagnosed her with this. i was thinking great we can do something about this awesome but nothing it is what it is. i just dont get why her nerves back there didnt develop all the way im thinking k its something i did when i was prego with her sorry i know i just am going on and on but i just dont know what the hell to do sorry for my french. i know that if they do say she is legilly blind she will be just fine im worried about me and my husband we are going to love her just the same and it will never change if they come out and tell me your daughter is blind im going to really break down just knowing that she might be im having a really hard time every time i look at her i start tearing up thinking its all my fault and all what i wanna do is love her and hug her. people keep telling me farther in heaven wouldnt have gaven me her if he dont think i can handle it i think diff i dont know why but i think wow he is punching me for something i have done wrong why is he doing this to me i dont want my little girl to not beable to see all her life its way hard to go thro what i am going thro. im pretty sure some people think i am blowing this way up thats why i havent really talked to anyone of how i am feeling besides my adopted mom she knows how im feeling, and when im talking to her about i feel like shes not looking at me retarted this is one of the hardest things i have ever gone thro i thought me getting malested when i was a little girl was hard def not this is the hardest things i love my two girls i want them to live there lives better then me and to the fullest. my farther in law and brother in law gave her a blessing lastnight... my heart is just hurting and is was confused tuesday we are going to get a MRI done of her brain and im praying that we dont here more bad news from that. then Dec 7 and 8 we have appointment's down in SLC at the primary children's i was all worried cuz my husband still is not working we are so behind on all of our bills its not even funny and Dec is Chritmas time so i was all stressing about money getting down there and food. well my mom tells me that her and my dad are going to give us $150.00 for gas, and a hotel so that's nice for my mom and dad to do took some stress of me and Jared's shoulders. but im praying we don't hear anymore bad news i cant take anymore i just wanna hear good news nooooo more bad news kills me enough thinking that Paytin is blind. i am so sorry for just going on and on but the only people that read my blogs are all my in laws lol well the female's anyways.. i was thinking me talking about all this would make me feel better but it dosen't i know there is alot worst things out there that could of happend to Paytin but this one is pretty bad i think anyways.. what happend to my sweet little nepfew i watched every one hurt from that most of all his mommy, daddy, sister's and it tore all of them up inside tell this day they still have a ruff time and its been 1 year in a half about i know that made them all stronger. its going to take me awile to deal with this and accept it a very long time i do belive i may even get worse idk i know i have to stay strong for her and not let her know im sad, and Audrina but its hard to not cry when you are about to cry your eyes out.. Audrina thought that the doctor made it so her little sister cant see she is having a hard time with all of this she sees mommy crying or really sad, it makes her sad . the Egley's and Saville's well Amy, David, And kids we all have a very special little boy his name is Clayton he is one great little boy and i wouldnt trade him for nobody he is a great blessing and a miracle and im sure eveyone can agree with me on this. ever time i see him he just puts a big smile on my face he is so loving. if paytin is blind then Clayton, and Paytin are our miracle babies. thank you for reading i thought twice about posting this i wasent going to but i did as you can see lol. love you all thank you all your guys love is helping us thro this and we will get thro this going to be way hard but we gotta do it!!!!

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Our Sweet little Paytin!

Well i have not written on here for awile but i would like to tell you guys most of you guys know we had Paytin Ann Rae Egley June 3, 2011 9:13 pm. She was 4 Ibs 5 ounces 17 3/4 lenth after she came into this world i didnt get to hold her right after like i did with Audrina that was very hard for me! The nicu Nurses took her and weight her and all that. then they gave her too me all i could do is look at her and cry happy tears same with daddy. I got to hold her for a few mins then daddy got to hold her for a few mins. then they took her into the nicu that really killed me i kinda knew that she would have to go in there but i was hopeing they were going to make sure she was fine and then bring her too me but that never happend she ended staying in the nicu for 2 weeks and two days. that was way hard to leave our new baby girl behind when we left we went into pocatello to go see her every day then came back home. then two weeks, 2 days after she was in the nicu we could take her home we were so happy to get our sweet little baby girl home. its been 6 weeks scence she was born i got really bad post partam depression having to leave Paytin in the nicu didnt help me at all finally i had a really bad break down my loving most amazing guy told my in laws he wanted to divorce me (he was drinking i was too) anyways that was one bad night. when i called to talk to my husband 2 hours later he didnt wanna talk to me. well 30 mins to a half hour he called me back telling me that he got yelled at by his dad and mom they were very diapointed and mad. then he tells me i told them i wanted a divorce so then i stared to cry and about hipper ven a late. he got me too come down a little bit to tell me that his mom had to talk him outta of it that made it very worse i told him i dont want u to be with me if your mom had to talk u out of it i want u to be with me cuz u still wanna work thro our problems like married couples do. he tells me to come back home our baby Paytin wants me home and he does too..
so i go home and we kinda make up i was still having a break down knowing the love of my life wanted to divorce me... few hours later i had to go pick up Audrina from Utah well mom Egley drove down there to get her we didnt really talk to eachother i said something to her about Jared saying he was ready to divorce me she said yeah me and dad told him we would not support him with that decsion.. im kinda doing better slow but still depressed its no fun..
Audrina while i was in the hospital we all noticed her arm was hurting her, it was all swelled up well took her to the doc and sure enough her poor little arm was broke has to be in this cast for 6 weeks she gets it off this next monday :) well the hole time she was very confused were is my little sis she is not in moms belly anymore why cant i see my little sister? well i could tell something was up with my sweet pea so i asked her. she said my little sister were is she i told her she is fine she is in the hospital she is very tinny the doctors want her to get a little bit bigger before she comes home, so she dont get sick cuz of how small she is! the next day we put Paytin up to the window so Audrina could see her she was so excited to see her cute little sister!
Yesterday was my due date and im very glad we had her when we did cuz yesterday was 1 year scence gabe past away and so ungle Ben could see her before he left boot camp. when i heard July 12, 2011 was the due date i started to cry and said no that cant be the due date of all days why this day. i didnt understand it for awile why it had to be that day. i kinda figured the baby would not come right on the 12th but still. I didnt wanna tell my sis in law Amy what the due date was cuz i thought she would really be sad about the date but i did anyways had too and didnt wanna lie to her about it! she told me its fine im happy its ment to be! that made me feel a little bit better.
well thank u for takein the time to read this i kinda went far on this blog but i had to write about it and just express my feelings... I LOVE MY AMAZING HUSBAND I WANNA BE WITH HIM FOR EVER, EVEN IN THE AFTER LIFE............. Him and my two girls are my everything i would do anything for them!!!!!!!!

Sunday, February 13, 2011

You are a special mom

Before i was a mom i never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before i was a mom- I had never been puked on. Popped on. Chewed on. Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts i slept all night.

Before i was a mom- I never held down a screming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots.
I never looked in teary eyes and cryed.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before i was a mom- I never held a sleeping baby just because i didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when i couldn't stop the hurt.
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.
I never knew i could love someone so much.
I never knew i would love being a mom.

Before i was a mom- I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.
I didnt know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before i was a mom- I had never gotton up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a mom.
I didn't know i was capable of feeling so much, before i was a mom.


Thursday, February 10, 2011

Im getting super excited!!

Well we have 11 more days tomorrow tell we find out for sure what the new baby is i can not wait i know all you guys know :) but im getting so excited so i thought i would blog about it. I cant wait tell we welcome this new Egley baby into the world. The 22 just needs to hurry up and get here. Tonight the baby was pushing on my rib i almost started to cry i forgot how bad that hurts! Im feeling this baby move more and more and it just brings happens to my face. Its mostly at night time when i feel this baby move when im trying to sleep its a pain in the butt but its worth it :) I dont think i felt Audrina move this early but they say in its your second or third pregancy you feel them move alot sooner thats what i read anyways!
Audrina that little girl we put her in her room tonight with a movie on and her bed is right by the dresser well she crawled up on the dresser and got a few things off the tv to play with she is so lucky she didnt fall of the dresser daddy was so so mad him and his temper. Im just glad she didnt fall, so we have to redo her room again!!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Well i guess im going to give this hole blog thing a try lol.. Jared and I are having a baby im so excited we FIND OUT FEB 22 what the sex is i can not wait!! im so blessed to have all the great people i have in my life.. We might have 3 kids in july when this baby comes. My nepfew is in states custody cuz my little sister was being stiuped and made alot of bad decsions well i get a phone call from his foster care case worker asking me if i can take my nepfew im second to ken so i thought about it and talked with my husband cryed and cryed cuz i was in foster care i was adopted its not all that great when you are not with your real family. Me and my husband talked about it and we are doing every thing we can do to get him. I just dont want him to have to go thro what i went thro. He deserves to be with family and not strangers he didnt ask for any of this! If my sister cant get him back we are going to adopted him i just wanna be able to have him in my life and be a aunt to him if he is with other people i might not be able to see him and be in his life. Its alot to deal with i know im just so glad i have the people i do in my life that understand and suport me! Thank you guys means alot to me...