Sunday, October 30, 2011

Baby Paytin Ann Rae

A few days ago i took my Paytin to the eye doctor just to make sure her eyes were good cuz she was not focusing on things, and she was moving her eyes side to side. i wasen't to concerned about it just thought that she didn't have control of her eyes yet but just wanted to make sure and my doctor told me that i should just make sure there was nothing wroung with her eyes.
Well we were at the doc he was looking into her eyes and all that well he comes out and tells me she has very very poor vision if any my eyes started to water i said wait say that again well he told me i thought no way there is no way my little girl is going to have poor eye sight or may be blind. That's one of the worst new's a mommy could hear they tell me that they are going to put these drops in her eyes to dilate her eyes and it would take 40 mins for it to work. then the doc was going to look in her eyes to see whats causing it.
That was the worst 40 mins in my life well 40 mins later he looks into Paytin's eyes gets done with that and tells me her optic nerves didnt develop like they were suppose too i had a heard time finding them they are very tiny. first thing i asked his is there a cure for that. He tells me unfortunately there is not. I just started to break down in major tears i was crying so hard the nurse had to take Audrina out of the room. Im having a really hard time with all this i just dont get it why me why Paytin this hurts so bad to know that my baby girl has very very poor eye sight if any i just cant cope with the idea i want Paytin to see how beautiful she is live her life to the fullest beable to hunt, fish, drive, play with her big sister and all of her cousin's, i dont want her to be treated like she is handycap when she is going up..
When i talk to her i just wish that she could see her mom and make eye contact with me. I do know that she can see light i know that for a fact. but it kills me cuz i dont think she can see anything else cuz i put my finger in front of her eyes and she dont blink, and i move my hand back and fourth in front of her face and she dont follow my fingers. After hearing what the doctor told me i am broken inside most people don't understand why i am falling apart so bad they all just dont understand you would have just been there to hear the doc he said im being up front with you im not hidin anything from you. baby girl has OPTIC NERVE HYPOPLASIA they diagnosed her with this. i was thinking great we can do something about this awesome but nothing it is what it is. i just dont get why her nerves back there didnt develop all the way im thinking k its something i did when i was prego with her sorry i know i just am going on and on but i just dont know what the hell to do sorry for my french. i know that if they do say she is legilly blind she will be just fine im worried about me and my husband we are going to love her just the same and it will never change if they come out and tell me your daughter is blind im going to really break down just knowing that she might be im having a really hard time every time i look at her i start tearing up thinking its all my fault and all what i wanna do is love her and hug her. people keep telling me farther in heaven wouldnt have gaven me her if he dont think i can handle it i think diff i dont know why but i think wow he is punching me for something i have done wrong why is he doing this to me i dont want my little girl to not beable to see all her life its way hard to go thro what i am going thro. im pretty sure some people think i am blowing this way up thats why i havent really talked to anyone of how i am feeling besides my adopted mom she knows how im feeling, and when im talking to her about i feel like shes not looking at me retarted this is one of the hardest things i have ever gone thro i thought me getting malested when i was a little girl was hard def not this is the hardest things i love my two girls i want them to live there lives better then me and to the fullest. my farther in law and brother in law gave her a blessing lastnight... my heart is just hurting and is was confused tuesday we are going to get a MRI done of her brain and im praying that we dont here more bad news from that. then Dec 7 and 8 we have appointment's down in SLC at the primary children's i was all worried cuz my husband still is not working we are so behind on all of our bills its not even funny and Dec is Chritmas time so i was all stressing about money getting down there and food. well my mom tells me that her and my dad are going to give us $150.00 for gas, and a hotel so that's nice for my mom and dad to do took some stress of me and Jared's shoulders. but im praying we don't hear anymore bad news i cant take anymore i just wanna hear good news nooooo more bad news kills me enough thinking that Paytin is blind. i am so sorry for just going on and on but the only people that read my blogs are all my in laws lol well the female's anyways.. i was thinking me talking about all this would make me feel better but it dosen't i know there is alot worst things out there that could of happend to Paytin but this one is pretty bad i think anyways.. what happend to my sweet little nepfew i watched every one hurt from that most of all his mommy, daddy, sister's and it tore all of them up inside tell this day they still have a ruff time and its been 1 year in a half about i know that made them all stronger. its going to take me awile to deal with this and accept it a very long time i do belive i may even get worse idk i know i have to stay strong for her and not let her know im sad, and Audrina but its hard to not cry when you are about to cry your eyes out.. Audrina thought that the doctor made it so her little sister cant see she is having a hard time with all of this she sees mommy crying or really sad, it makes her sad . the Egley's and Saville's well Amy, David, And kids we all have a very special little boy his name is Clayton he is one great little boy and i wouldnt trade him for nobody he is a great blessing and a miracle and im sure eveyone can agree with me on this. ever time i see him he just puts a big smile on my face he is so loving. if paytin is blind then Clayton, and Paytin are our miracle babies. thank you for reading i thought twice about posting this i wasent going to but i did as you can see lol. love you all thank you all your guys love is helping us thro this and we will get thro this going to be way hard but we gotta do it!!!!

1 comment:

  1. My sweet sweet sister, I know how hard itt is to pour your heart out and I have so much to say to you and it's late so tomorrow as soon as I can I'm going to call you and if you want to cry your eyes out to,me on the phone you totally can. I love you and Jared and I know you can do this for you sweet pay pay. It won't be easy that's for sure but you can do it and we'll all help all we can. Love you!